My Mom

Donna

Today is my mom's birthday........well, it would have been her birthday, but she passed away a few years ago.  I remember that day clearly as if it were yesterday.  My family lives in Florida, I'm here in Ohio.  It was February 14, and we had a terrible snow storm.  She had been in the hospital for a few days and wasn't expected to get out.  My brother and sister were there with her (which I am so grateful for), but I wasn't.  I wanted to be, but the snow had me captive in my apartment complex, and the airport was practically shut down.  The whole day felt surreal to me.......I knew it was happening, but because I wasn't there, it was like I was watching from the outside, where it was safe.  I kept in touch with my brother and sister on cellphones, and they kept me up to date on how she was doing.  I've been away from home since I was 18, yet I always felt like the big sister, ready to dispense advice where ever needed, trying to search for a way to solve problems or make things better.  But this time, I couldn't do anything.  Nothing.  And it is the worst feeling in the world.  I couldn't even try and make them feel better, because I was all consumed with my own grief.  And guilt.  The guilt.  I live with it every day.  Some days are worse then others.  When I see an older lady, one that may resemble my mom in the way they dressed, or the lines on their face........especially if it's in a Kmart, or a Dollar Store.....I can actually feel my heart splinter a little bit.  Not so much guilt because I wasn't there when she died, but at times, I wasn't there when she was alive.  She lived here in Ohio with me for a couple of years.  At first, she lived with me, then eventually got her own apartment.  In the beginning, we did lots together, shopping, cooking, watching TV, (actually, me watching TV, her falling asleep with her head rested on her hand sitting up.  I don't know how she did it lol).   When she moved into her own place, I went over a few times a week.  But now I know it wasn't enough.  I know now that she must have been lonely.  And my excuse for not going over was always the same.  I'm tired.  I do have some legitimate reasons for being tired (a couple of pain in the ass diseases) but honestly.......I took it for granted that she would always be there.  I could always go over "tomorrow".   I could give her a call "later".  And now, there is no tomorrow....and no later.  And I can never have a chance to tell her how sorry I am for not being there for her more.  Sure, I took her to the grocery, and to the Dr, and we did spend time together, but people......I can tell you....it's not enough.  If you have the chance to spend time with your mom, or even if you don't.  Find it and do it.  Don't put it off.  Don't wait till another day.  Call her everyday and tell her you love her.  Send her a note in the mail.  Drop off flowers for no reason.  Tell her thank you for everything she has done for you.  Hold her face in your hand, and drink it in..........because one day she won't answer the phone, or the door, and you have to search your memory for the gentle lines in her face, and the little birthmark like yours on her arm.  Don't have any regrets......don't have any regrets..........I miss you mom.  Everyday.